"The righteous flourish like the palm tree
and grow like a cedar in Lebanon.
They are planted in the house of the Lord;
they flourish in the courts of our God.
They still bear fruit in old age;
they are ever full of sap and green,
to declare that the Lord is upright;
he is my rock, and there is no unrighteousness in him."
What a great encouragement. What hope! to declare that the Lord is my rock and there is no unrighteousness in Him in old age.
Upper Middle Class Trust Fund Disease
A letter to all who will ask about my post-grad plans:
To be honest, I’m only applying for jobs because I am 90% motivated by sheer fear that I’ll inevitably go back to Johns Creek to live with my parents (not that there is anything wrong with them, but I am a grown woman good dang) and 10% motivated by the excitement of prospective careers in my field of study.
This being said, all I think about daily is traveling the world. Traveling could be a lifestyle to me, and I find it incredible that I’ve been blessed with a lack of responsibilities that would tie me to the United States. I suffer from Upper-Middle-Class-Trust-Fund-Disease which is basically a consequence of growing up in an upper-middle class suburb with a lack of financial responsibility (the result is inevitably the belief that the world can be what I want it to be, not the cruel reality that I don’t get everything I want). This is important in light of acknowledging my own naivety in regards to my future choices in the job market. I get that I need to get my foot in the door (thank you friends and family, you’ve definitely all made your point…clearly and aggressively), but frankly, I never planned on being rich. The entry level salary is all I aspire to achieve in my lifetime. Heck, I don’t ever plan on making more than 30k a year, and I’m totally okay with that. In fact, I look forward to learning how to live with just enough. Just. Enough. I don’t want the plush Southern plantation nor the chic New York loft. I want a blah apartment that I can live in and make comfortable. Because truth be told, I’m a foreigner on this earth (both physically and spiritually, I’ve decided).
I’m ready to be poor my whole life. But I’m not ready to settle for mediocrity. My aforementioned disease lends me a nasty habit of stubbornness when I aspire something and others tell me I can not. I want to tell people in the eye that they are wrong when they tell me I can’t only pursue job applications ONLY in positions I want. Because that’s aiming too high, and I need to be realistic. Cool, I need to be realistic. I need to learn how to settle. I need to keep in mind that the real world is a hard place and I can’t always get what I want. Great.
You know what I really want to do one day? I want to build a school in a village where there is none. I’m not kidding, I really want to do that one day. I want to work alongside people who aren’t afraid to take risks to search for ways to bring clean water to communities, who are willing to take the time to teach all kinds of art to adolescents who are at risk to join gangs. I want to hold the hands of dying AIDS patients and weep because I loved them. I want to die forgotten by the world but remembered by the less fortunate that I got to serve all while heralding the reality that I will live and die to the hope that I will unite with Christ when I die, and He will say to me “Well done, my good and faithful servant.”
If that’s my goal, then it hardly seems out of reach to leave the US and travel throughout developing countries for a few months. “But you don’t have a job to support that!” say the understandably worried friends and family. “But I have just enough to travel for a few months” I say in return. I don’t have job security in the future. It’s true. But I don’t have security I will be alive this time next week either. Why should I be afraid of poverty when I am not afraid of death?
I don’t want to be like my peers. I don’t want to just have graduated with a degree in a field of study I am not passionate about. I majored in International Affairs and Spanish and I am determined to use what I’ve learned. So to answer your questions on my job hunt: Yes. I’m applying. So far, over 30 but under 40. Yes. I’ve heard back from one. No, it doesn’t pay…yet. Yes. I am daily discouraged, but así es la vida.
"My most earnest of all pleas to singles is abandonment of the self, surrender to Christ of all unfulfilled longings, an unequivocal willingness to receive whatever God assigns, and a determination to practice the sacrificial principle of Isaiah 59:10-11. Life becomes not only far simpler, but surprisingly joyful and free."
4 years later
So I got an email last week about the 4th birthday of my tumblr. I literally can not believe I have derped around on this website for this long, and I stared at the screen all squinty eyed debating if I wanted to fist pump or if I wanted to cringe in disappointment.
Regardless, it also marks 4 years since I last graduated and this will for now, (most certainly be), the last graduation I will have. And honestly, I’m at a place in my life where…
I have never been so happy.
And I don’t mean like I’ve never been happy before, because honestly, I’m all about optimism and all that jazz. I mean, I’m at a point where, I know, life ISN’T always good. Life is hard, and I am bad at things…a lot of things. I compare my failings to the successes of my peers and I look at the wasted opportunities for evangelism and I am saddened. I am constantly reminded that I DON’T know what I’m doing with my life. I’m graduating and I have NO idea what I want to do. I’m kind of scared and I know must disappoint my parents to a certain degree because I could always do more (even though they are supportive and would not say that openly to me). But I must be honest and say, I kind of enjoy life this way.
In the midst of growing up and facing future uncertainty, I’m reminded that…I live. And I breathe, I laugh, I try, I fail. I will be growing until the day that I die. Not a day passes unordained by my Lord. In His constant care, I am free to struggle. I have come to the realization that life only gets better, but only because I have an unquenchable joy in the death and resurrection of Christ. Life only gets better because life only gets harder but I’m not alone. I will cling onto my God in weariness, in happiness, in times of apathy, because I am nothing but ashes in the wind! Dust here today, gone tomorrow.
Man, I’m so young. Like, REALLY young. Alright, so in medieval times I would be halfway over with my life, BUT this is the 21st century. I’ve got all the time in the world to fall in love with life over and over and over again all the while understanding that THIS life is a fleeting shadow in comparison to the life everlasting I await! I’ve got time to settle into a career, to struggle with money, to fall in love, to have kids, to grow old, to die! But I don’t care for these things if I were to be without Christ! Oh what a treasure it is to know the Lord. How sweet each inhale, how precious every heartbeat, how beautiful every challenge.