Every time I look to my left while I use my laptop on my computer desk, my backpack taunts me. I began to notice its presence a few weeks ago, when I finally moved everything back into my room. At first, it was a small peek out of my peripheral vision. Guiltiness, it made me feel. The red color pops into my eyesight for the exact reason why I chose a red backpack. Later on, I would lay down in bed and let out a longing sigh when I turned off my lights to go to sleep. Its slouching figure was the last waking thing I saw. And slowly, but powerfully, the longing sigh from my pillows, from my desk chair, have transformed into a dull ache in my heart. A representation of every opportunity I seemed to have missed in the past few months. A symbol of adventures I must go on. A promise to myself to persevere. I haven’t shaken off the excitement of having a degree in a field of study I am passionate in. I am pained every day that I am not using this excitement to find new ways to find clean water for impoverished villages, new methods to improve public health, efficient plans to build sustainable schools. Instead I am stuck, with the drive of a race horse, in a little suburb, just wishing, Dear World, just give me a chance, I swear! We can make changes that will save lives, dang it!
But yet, while I may be tempted to feel self pity that I have not yet received the ‘right’ to a glistening IA future, I am reminded continually that I will not find satisfaction in this life. The Lord is my satisfaction, and I must learn daily to lean heavily upon Christ, as my crutch. He is all I need, because He is all I have. Let everything be dust and ashes. He is my joy yesterday, today, and tomorrow. And this means a lot because I have near nothing in my day to day that gives me joy. I can’t remember a time in my life I’ve ever felt so unfulfilled. So dissatisfied. So unchallenged. So frustrated at myself. So unsure. I am not sad though. I am encouraged day by day that the race is based on endurance. I must take every day slowly. Finding gratitude, finding a quiet desire to learn to be patient with all around me, finding strength in the Lord to remain undiscouraged. The Lord is uncovering indwelling sin in my life that I must repent of, and for that, I am grateful. So for now, I am given no choice except to breathe slowly everyday, in and out.
After withstanding the test of time over the past few months, I must say this hymn might be my new favorite.
I think taking boxing classes all semester created a spot in me that desires to swing at things madly when I get stressed out or frustrated at myself because somehow this day started off from staring at the daisies I bought to desperately signing up for a free Krav Maga class tonight. So this is where we are now.
Self pity: -1
PUNCHING THINGS: +ROCK GUITAR SOLO
is this some kind of sick joke
date me its for a school project
Not sure of source, found via twitter from Radiomaru and Devin Faraci
Pacific Rim x Scott Pilgrim. All the movies I need in the world. done.